During development, children are learning about boundaries and respecting boundaries. We would talk about good touch and bad touch with children. We would talk about how hitting is not acceptable behavior. These boundaries are set to establish what behaviours are good and also to establish how a child should be expected to be treated.

Boundaries are established limits on behaviour. Boundaries help us to establish what are acceptable and unacceptable behaviours. Establishing and consistently reinforcing these boundaries are essential to the socialization process during which children learn social skills, and develop their social and emotional intelligence. Knowing that there are boundaries, how to establish boundaries and respecting boundaries then will make adulthood easier when it comes to getting along with people.

As parents, you would be using boundaries as a guide to regulate your child’s behaviours, and slowly as they learn to self-regulate themselves you will be able to let them have more space to explore and interact with others. How boundaries are set and how they are reinforced are very important.

What is acceptable and what is also influenced by the norms of a given society or community? There are some universals like no hitting, no interrupting, and no grabbing. There are cultural specifics about hugging and amount of freedom given to children to explore and many other rules that must be followed.

Boundaries then are imperative, but the thing with boundaries is that they are very difficult to see and therefore seem quite fluid.  Let’s keep in mind that different parents will have different parenting styles – some parents could be permissive – giving space for the child to be free of rules and decide for themselves – in which case there will be fewer boundaries for a child.

How a boundary is established is dependent on how you as a parent would reinforce the rules. And perhaps you can consider your parenting style at this time: are you permissive letting them make decisions on certain rules and giving the child the upper hand when it comes to pushed boundaries? Are you authoritarian, setting the boundaries and following through with consequences when boundaries are pushed? Or are you Authoritative with boundaries set in discussion with your child with some flexibility under given circumstances but more importantly consistent in how the boundaries are respected?  Or maybe you recognize yourself in each of these as you increasingly become more consistent with each experience?

The more you move to conversations and guidance on why certain behaviours are important and how to behave in accordance, and consistently establish these set boundaries – including applying the same rules to others – the more children will learn about sticking to boundaries and setting boundaries for themselves.

The clearer we are with boundaries the better the nature and quality of our relationships will be with our parents and children, peers, teachers, significant others and all other relationships. Sometimes how boundaries are established to foster fear and shame and this is the opposite of good connection so it is important that as parents we guide our children on acceptable and unacceptable behaviours in a way that promotes connection and minimizes fear and shame.

So how can we set boundaries

• Be clear about what the boundaries are
• Be consistent
• Be firm but with warmth
• Acknowledge and praise when followed
• And follow through on consequences when pushed

Be comfortable with the decisions that you make as a parent and be open to talking with your children about how they can manage situations. At the end of the day – remember you did the best you can and you did well.

For Further Reading:

Set your Child up for Success by teaching Healthy Boundaries by Monica Foley, 2019 https://childdevelopmentinfo.com/development/set-your-child-up-for-success-by-teaching-healthy-boundaries/

Boundaries and Discipline: How to set Healthy Boundaries for your Kids Playful Pathways https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5PzuQty2FAhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5PzuQty2FA

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